Tuesday, October 16, 2012

10-16-12 Saying Yes when you want to say No

So many of us say yes when we want to say no. I used to do that and it is a place where I would blame the other person because they should know better.

I’ll use this example:

While I was going through my divorce to the father of my two daughters, a friend with her three children moved in for a while. Her children were younger than mine. We lived together quite well except she would wash one of her large rugs in my washing machine.

I did not want her to do that because I was afraid the machine would not be able to handle that big rug without breaking down. This was an issue for me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to ask her to wash that rug at a laundromat. I know this seems really silly, but I think it is a good representation of how we fall into these kind of situations.

I was finally able to ask her to take her not to wash her rug in my machine. She was fine with it. I was so surprised once I finally got the nerve up to ask her how easy it was.

This then led to many other situations where I used to say yes, when I wanted to say no.

It took time before I took complete responsibility for my own state of mind and was able to finally always say exactly what I meant. I could not believe how scary it was to ask her. I really fretted over this until I was able to ask her. There were many other situations that I have fretted over telling someone like my boss or my co-worker exactly what I meant to say. I can honestly say, now, I have no problem speaking my mind in a kind way always taking into consideration the other persons dignity.

If I don’t want to say what I mean in a kind way, then, I look inside myself what my real issue is and I always find the issue is my own perception. I ask for help in choosing for God. The help is always instantly there and I am surprised and how simple the answer is.

Another example of this is when my husband asked me for a divorce, I was clueless that he was not happy.
He is a really nice chap and he was doing all the thinking and feeling for me and could not bring himself to
express what he was unhappy about.  During counseling, I found out that he had been unhappy for a long time and was not able to say anything about it because he was just too nice of a guy.

We could have saved out marriage if he would have been able to tell me what he was feeling. I would have tried to change whatever needed changed or we could have went to counseling long before he got to the point of no return for himself.  He was not being a "nice guy" by not being able to express what was wrong, he was being cruel because it ended our marriage and hurt our children.  He beat himself up over his inability to say what he was feeling for three years before he realized that we did not need to get divorced.  It was too late for me and there was another woman involved.

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